Saturday, April 10, 2010

Kids Uncensored

Art Linkletter had it right, kids DO say the darndest things!  A big thank you to the readers who sent in their stories for this post :-)  Please feel free to add your own in the comments section!

My son, a precocious 3 year old redhead, told my husband, "Daddy, you have a penis and mommy has a brain." No idea where he got that (I swear I didn't teach him that--I couldn't have made it up!), but I laughed so hard I peed myself! -Kerstin D

"Mommy, did you know that some people are families and some people are oranges?" -Heather K

I was laying in bed nursing my 18mo when she pulled off my breast to yell out "Daddy's a pussy" hahaha I'm positive she meant it as in he's a pussy cat but my gooness did I laugh!!! -Leah W

My 3 year old loves to tell me quite often how my butt is much larger than hers. Her exact words are "I have a yill (lil) butt and you gotta huge butt mama" -Jennifer F

Back in the day when I still allowed watched Lady and Tramp over and over...I was leaving for work and I said "see you later little lady" (like I did everyday) and she came back with "See you later little tramp" -Sherri H

When my son was about seven, I was having a house built that would be near by son's school. Every day we would check on the progress of the house on the way home from school. I love rocks, and one day I took one along that had come out of the excavation for the house, and it is now part of our landscaping. He must have noticed that the rest of the rocks that came out of the excavation were going somewhere, and he said "Do you know where they took the rocks?" I answered that I did not know where the rocks were taken, when he informed me "They take them to the top of a big hill and they roll them down and let them go back in the wild!" -Andrea vS

My daughter will be three in July. She is at the age where everything has to be 'just so' or a major tantrum ensues. About a month ago she was pitching a major fit over something silly, like not being able to get the lid off a bucket or some shit and I said to her: "O, we really don't need all of this drama. It's not that big a deal!" And she stops crying on a dime and says to me "I'm a Drama Llama. I have massive drama!" Damn. I just had to laugh at her. I couldn't help myself!  Also, when O was about 22 month, we were at the library during an open play session. She was gathering up a set of wheeled animal toys that she wanted to play with. She came and put two down in front of me and went back for the third. In my mommy haze, I didn't see the little boy that came up and took one of the animals she had 'stashed' by me. When she came back with the third animal in the set, she calmly put it down, went over to the little boy, yoinked that toy out of his little hands and nicely said "Thank you for sharing." And went about her business playing with all three. I tried to apologize to the little boys mom, but we were both in stitches over what O had said.
-Heidi M

On Easter day my 5 yr old says "We sure looked sharp today. Not the kind that swims, but the kind that looks nice." -Erica F

My daughter on the potty after farting, "My farts tickle my butt." -Veronica L

My son Maxx 8yrs old and I were in the car listening to the radio, driving down the highway. The song "People Are Crazy" by Billy Currington was on and Maxx said, "You know what Mom? People ARE crazy" -Jamie R

My son, Caleb, sees a woman at a table next to us mix formula and give it to her tiny newborn.
Caleb: "mommy what is that?"
Me: "that's called baby formula some people feed it to their babies"
Caleb: "ewww, why doesn't it just drink from her boobies like normal babies!"


I'm holding Abigail and Caleb comes in and kisses her on her head.
Me: " wow you are gonna be such a great daddy someday when you have kids"
Caleb: "oh NO, not me, im not havin one of those things! Im gonna stay here with you forever, make Abby have all the babies!" -Christina W

My 4 yr old saw a breast pad sitting next to me, and picked it up and stuck it on my little one's head while he was nursing. He laughed and said, "look, Mom! He's wearing a hat!" Hahaha... it actually stuck to his head and he looked like he was wearing a little Jewish kippah. -Lauren J

I was arguing with my husband over how we watch too much TV and I didn't want the kids to be addicted. Oliver is 2, he came running into the room, jumped on DH and yelled: " 'Dicted, Dicted! I'm 'Dicted daddy! I'm a FROG! Ribbit ribbit! See my wiiiiiings??" -Rebecca C

SO, have you heard the saying 'clean as a whistle'? My daughter just smelled of her baby brother and said...'he smells so good, just like a whistle'. -April MS

This is Dalton. Yesterday, after being confronted with the cause of his "stained" underwear, his response was "well only if my head was on backwards I could see if it's clean!" he definitely keeps me laughing! -Megan B

Sophie likes to soothe me if I am upset, ha ha. "Mama, you gotta calm down!!" She tells everyone about her Cherise when we meet them: "This is Sewisee, my baby sistuh!" It's so darn cute. She also that night told Dom "Don't hit me Dom; don't hit me" over and over. His mom peeked at them and Dom wasn't even touching her, so she pointed that out! Sophie responded with "I just want to make sure he knows!" LOL!!! -Lauren F

Miss Aiden is a wealth of funny sayings. She provides me with endless statuses...haha Heres a few from this week:
--Yesterday, "Mama, can I be your facebook friend?" haha No. ;) Not for atleast 10 more
--Aiden: "I'm gonna eat you. You are gonna be soooo tasty. Come here. I'm gonna bite you!!" Me:
 "Umm, who are you talking to??" Aiden: "Just my cheese."

And my fav....
---Me: "I dont feel very good." Aiden: "Aww, I know sweetie. You dont gonna breathe anymore?" Me: blank stare Aiden: "Its okay mama. I have pretty shoes." WTF?? lol So, she thinks the migraine is gonna kill me, but its okay cause she has pretty shoes? Hmmmm.......  -Jada F

My favourites are.. When I was praising him by saying 'Good boy, Tyler' he responded with 'Good boy, Tyler, good girl, mama, good people, everyone!'. When I didn't realise what he had just said was meant to be funny 'I am laughing, you are laughing, we are laughing both, for I said a joke!'. Finally, when explaining to our neighbour that he'd had gastro 'I had a germ in my belly, so I did a burp, so Mama got a bucket for clean up the burp, so.... I am sick', ending with a very serious face. -Simone F

While at the breastfeeding support group I run my oldest daughter, Rachel (9yrs) came to help cause she's of school for Easter.
We were all nattering away while she was playing with the babies.
Suddenly she let out a little yelp and there was my youngest, Alice (10mths) with her hand down Rachel's top looking for a quick snack!
Luckily she saw the funny side and has proclaimed she's going to breastfeed all her children!

Combine that with my middle daughter, Milly (3yrs) breastfeeding a doll at the local mother and toddler group and you could start to understand how I'm getting a bit of a "Tit Nazi" reputation, ha ha -Tanya H

We are Catholic and as most catholics do, we have a crucifix hanging in our house. I was discussing the subject of God and Jesus with my 2 1/2 year old son a couple of weeks ago and when I ask "Where does Jesus live" (just to see what he would say) he responded with "On the wall above the fire place". I couldnt stop laughing. I knew the response would be interesting, but I wasnt expecting it to be this funny!! -Kellie E

When Mumbles was about 5, we we're having a heated ;) discussion, I can't remember what about but at one point she folder her arms across her chest and said "Mama, I know I can, I got the skills". Complete with head weave.
Then when she was 6 she discovered sarcasm. She made a comment to me and said 'BTW, I am being sarcasm right now.' -Kirsten A


Melissa H said...

Haha some funny stories !!

Will add just a few of mine.

DD1 was excited about the upcoming birth of DD3 ! Asked me about how it all happened and I had no problems with directly telling her the baby comes out the vagina. On several occasions we would be out shopping and random people would talk about being pregnant etc and DD1 was always pipe in about how the baby was going to come out my 'gina! Took a few lil old ladies by surprise.

Moving on to when i was in labour with DD3 and at home. She rubbed my back through most of the last 2hrs of my labour. I got the "oh no i need to push" sensation so an ambulance was called. DD1 still by my side and under control (was 3.5 at the time). She was great up until they whisked me away and i later heard she started crying. Everyone comforted her and said that i'll be ok. Turns out she wasn't worried about that but more the fact that i'd left the baby bag there and DD3 would have no clothes!!

Gosh there are so many and I could write forever about them but here's a quick couple.

DD2 asking daddy if he'd done a poo in his undies (refering to the bulge at the front) before lecturing him on how poo's go in the toilet

DD1 deciding the public toilets was the best place to ask why i'm wearing a 'nappy' (sanitary pad) and there's blood coming out my 'gina!

Looking forward to reading more stories ! such amazing little 'creatures' with such active imaginations ! love them so much !


Osephala said...

My daughter will be 3 in May. She calls her bathing suit, her "baby soup". I was horrified but now it's quite funny to hear her go on and on about her "baby soup" :D

Lilly Rose said...

LOL!! Those are great!

Melissa, Lilly (my oldest, around 3 and a half) has, since her sister was born, randomly talked about her being born (which is hilarious for her to tell random friends, "Sister came out of Mommy's vulva!"). I had a cesarean with her, so she knows she was cut out of my tummy (she used to adore looking at the scar over and over) and that her sister wasn't (especially since she was there). Anyway, when talking about being pregnant the other day, I said, "You were in my tummy..." and before I could compare to her sister, she says, "And Naomi was in your vulva!"

As for pads, I try to hide when changing mine when my DD is around, because she likes to exclaim, "EWW! I don't LIKE bloo-od!!" now that she knows that it's not an injury *rolls eyes* ESPECIALLY in public!

Oh, another.. the other day, Lilly fell and DH asked her if she was hurt and she said, "Uh-huh, my butt!" and then proceeded to stick it in the air. "Kiss my butt!"

Oh, and I don't remember what her sister had done now, but I said, "Oh, No, Namoi did [X]" to DH and Lilly, sitting in a basket, pipes up, "Oh, F#@%!" I have to stagger away so she doesn't see me laughing and dh glares at me, "Did she just say what I think she said?" To which I replied, "Well, if it sounds like a duck..."

mariahswind said...

We have a new baby boy and my almost 4 yr old girl likes to point out often very matter of factly that 'He (her brother) has a penis, daddy has a penis and we have 'aginas', that's why we are girls!'

Kelli H. said...

When my boys were tiny (I think about 3 and 2) I remember giving them a couple of suckers. The one I gave to my youngest was green...and he became very upset and threw the sucker across the room. I couldn't figure out what the problem was until DS1 told me "No Mama! We don't eat the green ones!" I asked him why not...and he said "They're bugsupper flavored!" (Bugsupper was their word for grasshopper.)

Another day, I was talking to my oldest and he was telling me what noises animals make. He was very proud of himself, saying "The cow says 'MOOOOOO', Mama!" and things like that. I started asking him what different animals "said" and he would answer me. Finally, I was out of animals. DS1 asks me "Do you know what stairs say?" I told him I didn't, to which he responded "Walkin walkin walkin." Then he asked if I knew what a house said. I told him no, and he said "Sit right there sit right there sit right there!"

My last one happened when DS1 was about 6. My ex-husband had brought DS1 home from spending the weekend with him. My ex informed me that I was doing a pretty good job of homeschooling our son, so I asked him what brought that on. He said they were at a kid's birthday party, and all the children were asked what they wanted to be when they grew up. Amongst the dozen or so "firemen" and "policeman" and "princess" DS piped up with his. "I want to be a pharmaceutical scientist...or I want to discover the tiny pieces that make up an electron and call them semi-trons." My ex said that everyone just sat and stared that him for a couple of minutes. Priceless.

Earth Birth Mom said...

hilarious! one of my favorites-
My oldest Skylar was 4 when my 2nd Lexi was born at home. we had alot of conversations about how some babies are cut out of people's tummies an some babies come out of the "noonie" (our word for vagina). one day I was in a LONG line at the post office, when I finally got to the front of the line and was consumed with what I needed to do at the counter, I heard my daughter talking to a lady down the line with a baby. I heard her ask "did your baby come out of your tummy or your noonie?" (I was so busy that even though I heard her I was in slow motion to turn around and get her.) she went on to say "my baby sister came out of my mom's noonie. Her noonie got THIS BIG (holing her hands up really wide) and then my baby sister came out." I was running over to her by this point but EVERYONE in the very busy post office had heard her and was cracking up laughing.

Anonymous said...

My DS is almost 3 and has speech delay, and has trouble constructing sentences that are understandable. Today walking home from the shops he saw a really nice car and our "conversation" when like this.

DS: give car!
Me: you can't have a car you're only 2
DS: NO 3!
Me: no you're almost 3, so you are still 2

Anonymous said...

My 5 yo daughter said today when discussing bathtime, "grown ups take showers, not baths. Grown ups only take a bath if they are having a baby."

Fyrestorm Creations said...

My DD is 6 and is completely obsessed with star wars (thanks auntie Anne). For her birthday, she was given a Darth Vadar 2 part mask. It has the mask and then the helmet.

So, if you have seen episode 3 when Anakin is made into Darth Vader....

I walked into the living room and saw my DD laying on the floor, holding the mask part over her face (slowly lowering it) while 'singing' the Darth Vader theme dum dum dum dum da dum - dum da dum.

I had to leave the room I laughing so hard. It was cute, but somewhat disturbing.

I can at least be happy that she doesn't like the princesses :)

Stacie said...

Last year when my youngest was 4 she started asking questions like "how does the baby get in the belly?" "And how does it come out of the belly?!" So we got some books at the library, and I was explaining how the baby comes out of the birth canal-the vagina. She ever so sweetly says, "Mama, I want to go back up your vagina." LOL I'll never forget it!

Sarah said...

We are expecting our 4th child, and the youngest, Angus (4 years old), is very interested in family dynamics (no you can't marry your sister... etc) We were all out for a drive and he pipes up from the back seat- "Mom- When I grow up I'm going to have a girlfriend." ...(pause)... "And I'm going to need a big bed."... (longer having trouble seeing the road for the tears in my eyes)... "But I think I'll keep this voice I have now."

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Imagine this is a dinner party. Differences of opinion are welcome but keep it respectful or the host will show you the door. If you're rude or abusive, your comment will be deleted. This is "Woman Uncensored" not "Random anonymous jackass that needs therapy Uncensored". Feel free to get your own blog and rant all you want there.

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