Wednesday, March 31, 2010
"Pearls" of Wisdom?
4:04 AM
I believe the Pearls first came to my attention after reading:
No Greater Joy Ministries "Biblical" Parenting Couple Beats Child to Death by Danelle Frisbie from Peaceful Parenting. I was horrified and yet compelled to look into the matter further and see what the Pearls really believe and preach.
Don't they look harmless?
When you drop by their website called No Greater Joy Ministries (founded by Michael and Debi Pearl), you may notice a tab at the top entitled "Child Training". Upon clicking, one of the resources found is called "12 Parenting Essentials". They list each of these "essentials" as: Love, Security, Acceptance, Respect, Communication, Time, Boundaries, Structure, Belonging/Significance, Example, Crisis Management, and The Meaning of Life. Sounds pretty hunky dory, but lets dig deeper into what this "Ministry" is all about. Are they really "Christian"? What are their "methods"? Could these methods really be abusive and even deadly?
A parent submitted a question to them: "How do I deal with an angry child? When he doesn't get his way, when I fix a breakfast he's not fond of, he acts angry and blames me. He often tells me that spankings only makes him angrier. What am I missing?"
Michael Pearl himself answers. After first deeply insulting the mother for several paragraphs, and admitting to intentionally wanting to make her angry, he goes on to say "If you think it is appropriate and you spank him make sure that it is not a token spanking. Light, swatting spankings, done in anger without courtroom dignity will make children mad because they sense that they have been bullied by an antagonists. A proper spanking leaves children without breath to complain."
I seriously shudder at the thought of what it must take to spank a child until they are "without breath to complain". I have seen my children get accidently hurt to the point of breathlessness. If you're a parent, you've probably seen that gut-wrenching cry where they are literally making no more sound and/or are gasping for air. I've seen my daughter split her lip wide open, I've seen her fall into a sharp corner... the breathless cries are enough to make me nearly vomit with grief and sympathy. I try to imagine just how much "spanking" it would take to inflict that level of pain and response from my child... Does it make you sick to think about too?
"If he should tell you that the spanking makes him madder, spank him again. If he is still mad…. He desperately needs an unswayable authority, a cold rock of justice. Keep in mind that if you are angry you are wasting your time trying to spank his anger away."
But wait, if you're NOT angry, it's okay to try and "spank his anger away"? I definitely don't think parents should be spanking out of anger, but the concept of "spanking anger away" doesn't make sense to me under ANY circumstances.
Next he says "I could break his anger in two days. He would be too scared to get angry. On the third day he would draw into a quiet shell and obey."
Okay, hello! Is this not sending up any abusive red flags for anyone? What if we were talking about a man "breaking" his wife until she was scared and submissive? It would be abusive, no question, but children deserve LESS respect and safety than grown adults?
"On the fourth day I would treat him with respect and he would respond in kind. On the fifth day the fear would go away and he would relax because he would have judged that as long as he responds correctly there is nothing to fear."
Really, where was that respect on day one, and would the child really respond with true respect, or simple fear-motivated compliance? I, personally, want my children to truly respect me because they know I love them and want the best for them, not because I've scared the crap out of them. "As long as he responds correctly there is nothing to fear". But at what point was the child shown what is "correct"? A beating only addresses the "wrong" behavior, and doesn't show a child what the "correct" behavior is. So they have to figure it out for themselves, and if they don't then they had better be scared?
He goes on, and at the end the disclaimer reads "Views expressed here are not necessarily the views of No Greater Joy Ministries, and are in no way endorsed by us." Seriously?! The "article" was written by the founder himself, and if they don't endorse what was said, then why is it on their page in the first place? Trying to cover their arses and doing a poor job of it!
An older couple writes to them: "We recently visited a family who follow your teachings to the “T”. The children are very well behaved. But I wondered if you’ve ever had anyone overdo it? The children didn’t have the spark of life as much as we remember our children having. We pass out your books and have been around other families with wonderful kids that are more relaxed and happy. We were troubled. Should we be? We also noted that the mother was swatting their very young children for not meeting possibly unfair expectations. One as young as 13 weeks old was being swatted to stop crying. The mother was trying to teach her one year old to put toys away, but the kid just didn’t understand and it was an intense confrontation. We tried to let them see a balance but what they understood you meant and what we understood you meant were 2 very different things."
Can you imagine swatting a 13 week old, or getting in an "intense confrontation" with a one year old?!
Let's see how they respond to the questions: "Training should not be tense, upsetting, hurtful, or pushed. It should be a simple exercise in showing the child what you want him to do."
That doesn't sound scary, but it completely contradicts the other "advice" they have given in the previous story. Spanking a child until they are breathless is tense, upsetting, hurtful, and pushed. They contradict themselves! What is a parent to do?
They go on: "A tiny stimulus to direct the child when they are small is enough. For example, if a 3 month-old nursing baby bites, don’t spank. She does not know she did bad. Just gently pull a hair on her head. She will startle back in momentary discomfort and immediately start nursing again"
Pull a hair on her head? A three month old? WHY?! There are ways to help a baby stop biting that don't resort to childish hair pulling. This is absurd. And if you do it "gently", it wouldn't "startle" them.
Next, I come across an article called "Baby Potty Training", which is basically about elimination communication, only twisted into being about control rather than communication. Some parents may come across this and believe that No Greater Joy Ministries is in favor of Attachment Parenting, and I'm glad that they speak about breastfeeding, and other things. There are indeed some "Pearls" of wisdom that can be found on their site if you ignore the fact that they do it all for manipulation rather than out of love, but if a parent is vulnerable they could get sucked into the full scheme and find themselves using abusive techniques that completely contradict Attachment Parenting, and the Bible for that matter!
In one article, they advise that a 13 week old should not be spanked, but should have a hair pulled. So at what age should a child be spanked and otherwise "trained", according to them?
"You must start training your children one year before their first birthday, because if you don’t, they will be trained without your input"
Okay, so from day one, we "train" them. Now what do they consider to be "training"?
"A child left to himself in a crib or a room is being trained."
Trained to do, or not do, what exactly? They don't follow it up with recommending any sort of guidance, or talking with the child about WHY they are in their room.
"The first time an infant pulls your hair, if you pull his, he will never be a hair-puller."
These folks really like hair pulling.
"If a child cries out in loneliness and is rewarded by being picked up, you have trained him to repeat the crying any time he wants to control the adults in his life."
This really boils my blood. If a child is LONELY to the point of crying about it, a parent should NOT pick them up?! What kind of message does that send? "I don't give a crap about your feelings", yeah, great lesson there.
Another mother writes in with a bunch of questions, and one of their responses about discipline was: "We never used the rod to punish a child younger than 12 months. You should read No Greater Joy Volume One and Volume Two. We discussed this subject several times in those two books. For young children, especially during the first year, the rod is used very lightly as a training tool."
More contradictions, first they say "the rod" is NEVER used on a child under 12 months, but in the same paragraph state it is "used very lightly". That sounds like more than "never" to me.
"You use something small and light to get the child’s attention and to reinforce your command. One or two light licks on the bare legs or arms will cause a child to stop in his tracks and regard your commands. A 12-inch piece of weed eater chord works well as a beginner rod. It will fit in your purse or pocket."
I wonder what Child Services would say about hitting an infant on bare skin with weed eater cord.
"Later, a plumber's supply line is a good spanking tool. You can get it at Wal-Mart or any hardware store. Ask for a plastic, ¼ inch, supply line. They come in different lengths and several colors; so you can have a designer rod to your own taste."
Excuse me while I go vomit! They are so into this "rod" business that they go into great detail about what to use. A "designer rod"? Sickening. Yeah, I'm going to head to the hardware store and pick up a pink one so I'll be en vogue while I beat my kids!
"When your 6-month-old baby grabs sister’s hair, while he still has a hand full of hair, swat his hand or arm and say “No, that hurts sister.”"
6 months old?! Again, so much for "never" using the rod on a child under 12 months.
"Tell the baby “No” and give him a swat. If your response is new, he may be offended and scream louder. But continue your normal activities as if you are unaffected. Wait one minute, and then tell the baby to stop crying. If he doesn’t, again swat him on his bare legs. You don’t need to undress him, turn him over, or make a big deal out of it. Just swat him where any skin is exposed. Continue to act as if you don’t notice the fit. Wait two minutes and repeat. Continue until the baby realizes that this is getting worse not better. Most babies will keep it going for 3 or 4 times and then slide to a sitting position and sob it out."
I'm sure this garbage speaks for itself.
Oy, what a question? Which is worse, spanking a 7 month old, or ignoring them while they wail? Do they not realize there are other options?! I've never spanked my children to sleep, nor had to let them cry alone until they give in. Yet they do sleep, I must be magic!
"A 7-month-old is too young to be spanked as such—too young to be punished. They do not have any understanding of good and evil"
So in one article, spanking a 6 month old is acceptable, but in this one, 7 months is too young? How can anyone keep this crap straight?!
"If the child has been mistrained, or if you have failed to provide a good prelude to sleep, and the child rises up to fight and resist, you should evaluate your whole procedure so as to improve your pre-sleep ritual for tomorrow night. But for the moment, you must constrain the child to obey authority and remain lying down. As a last resort, you may have to prove the power of your word by enforcing it with one or two stinging licks (applied with a small flexible switch) to the child’s leg"
*headdesk* So once again, it IS okay to spank them?
At this point, I've started becoming so emotionally overwhelmed that it is hard to continue. I've taken an entire day off since writing what you've just read, and as I attempt to go on and read more on their site I find myself literally sick to my stomach. I would LOVE to believe that these er... people... (if you can call them that) have no influence over others and that no one would take them seriously. Unfortunately, one can see that their Facebook has over 5,000 "fans" and they claim to have reached millions of people over the years of their "ministry".
It seems that they even use "the rod" method on their childrens' friends: "Amy, just turned two, has visited us on several occasions" He goes on to detail how this little one kept trying to go outside, and he repeatedly told her no. When she persisted: "As she opened the outside door, I took off my belt and surprised my little butterfly with one swat across the calves. She shut the door and looked at me with shock and anger. Her scream was not just of pain, but of defiance."
My own little one has just turned two... care to guess what myself or my husband would do if ANYONE struck her in such a way? I wonder if this little girl's parents were aware of this situation and if they were upset by it, or were so brainwashed by the Pearls that they condoned it.
"The defiant scream testified that she was still in a resistant state of mind. She was protesting interference with her self-will. She must be caused to recognize the supremacy of government. Her soul depends on it. So I commanded, “Amy, stop crying.” She screamed louder, so I gave her another forceful lick on the legs. She again screamed her defiance... Again I gave her one lick on the legs and commanded, “Stop crying, now.”
Michael Pearl goes on to talk about how the child was later all rainbows and unicorns, threw herself into his arms happily, etc. Really? Even if this is true, the ends don't justify the means. My ex step-father used to kick and beat our Rottweilers. Did they obey him? Yes. Did they still play with him and act happy sometimes? Yes. Does that justify the abuse and prove they were "okay"? Hell no.
These are my findings from just the first few sections of their "Child Training". I trust that by now you've heard more than enough, or could go on to learn more on your own if you have the stomach for it.
I have not personally read the books by the Pearls, and after reading just a few of their "articles", I don't think I could handle more. Here are a few things I am told are in their book "To Train Up A Child", which based on what we've seen of the Pearls so far, seem right in line with their usual crap:
1) The Pearls recommend whipping infants only a few months old on their bare skin. They describe whipping their own 4 month old daughter (p.9). They recommend whipping the bare skin of "every child" (p.2) for "Christians and non-Christians" (p.5) and for "every transgression" (p.1). Parents who don't whip their babies into complete submission are portrayed as indifferent, lazy, careless and neglectful (p.19) and are "creating a Nazi" (p.45).
2) On p.60 they recommend whipping babies who cannot sleep and are crying, and to never allow them "to get up." On p.61 they recommend whipping a 12 month old girl for crying. On p.79 they recommend whipping a 7 month old for screaming.
3) On p.65 co-author Debi Pearl whips the bare leg of a 15 month old she is babysitting, 10 separate times, for not playing with something she tells him to play with. On p.56 Debi Pearl hits a 2 year old so hard "a karate chop like wheeze came from somewhere deep inside."
4) On p.44 they say not to let the child's crying while being hit to "cause you to lighten up on the intensity or duration of the spanking." On p.59 they recommend whipping a 3 year old until he is "totally broken."
5) On p.55 the Pearls say a mother should hit her child if he cries for her.
6) On p.46 the Pearls say that if a child does obey before being whipped, whip them anyway. And "if you have to sit on him to spank him, then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher." "Defeat him totally." On p.80 they recommend giving a child having a tantrum "a swift *forceful* spanking." On the same page they say to whip small children on their bare skin until they stop screaming. "Don't be bullied. Give him more of the same." They say to continue whipping until their crying turns into a "wounded, submissive whimper."
7) On p.47 they recommend their various whips, including "a belt or larger tree branch" to hit children.
8) The Pearls recommend pulling a nursing infant's hair (p.7), and describe tripping their non-swimming toddler so she falls into deep water (p.67). They recommend ignoring an infant's bumped head when he falls to the floor, and ignoring skinned knees (p.86). They also say "if your child is roughed-up by peers, rejoice." (p.81) And on p.103 the Pearls say if children lose their shoes, "let them go without until they (the children) can make the money to buy more."
9) The Pearls claim their "training" methods are Godly, yet they have *no religious training or credentials* They never mention Jesus' injunctions to forgive "seventy times seven" and be merciful, and they decry the "extraordinary ingnorance of modern psychology." (these can also be found on the facebook group against the Pearls, HERE)
2) On p.60 they recommend whipping babies who cannot sleep and are crying, and to never allow them "to get up." On p.61 they recommend whipping a 12 month old girl for crying. On p.79 they recommend whipping a 7 month old for screaming.
3) On p.65 co-author Debi Pearl whips the bare leg of a 15 month old she is babysitting, 10 separate times, for not playing with something she tells him to play with. On p.56 Debi Pearl hits a 2 year old so hard "a karate chop like wheeze came from somewhere deep inside."
4) On p.44 they say not to let the child's crying while being hit to "cause you to lighten up on the intensity or duration of the spanking." On p.59 they recommend whipping a 3 year old until he is "totally broken."
5) On p.55 the Pearls say a mother should hit her child if he cries for her.
6) On p.46 the Pearls say that if a child does obey before being whipped, whip them anyway. And "if you have to sit on him to spank him, then do not hesitate. And hold him there until he is surrendered. Prove that you are bigger, tougher." "Defeat him totally." On p.80 they recommend giving a child having a tantrum "a swift *forceful* spanking." On the same page they say to whip small children on their bare skin until they stop screaming. "Don't be bullied. Give him more of the same." They say to continue whipping until their crying turns into a "wounded, submissive whimper."
7) On p.47 they recommend their various whips, including "a belt or larger tree branch" to hit children.
8) The Pearls recommend pulling a nursing infant's hair (p.7), and describe tripping their non-swimming toddler so she falls into deep water (p.67). They recommend ignoring an infant's bumped head when he falls to the floor, and ignoring skinned knees (p.86). They also say "if your child is roughed-up by peers, rejoice." (p.81) And on p.103 the Pearls say if children lose their shoes, "let them go without until they (the children) can make the money to buy more."
9) The Pearls claim their "training" methods are Godly, yet they have *no religious training or credentials* They never mention Jesus' injunctions to forgive "seventy times seven" and be merciful, and they decry the "extraordinary ingnorance of modern psychology." (these can also be found on the facebook group against the Pearls, HERE)
As far as whether the Pearls' methods are truly Biblical, I found this article called "Christian Child Discipline: Is Spanking Biblical? (No!)" by Parenting Freedom to be very helpful and they cover far more than I ever could. They take a look at what the words used mean in their original languages, and take into account the context of the verses. This article can be found (HERE)
Dr. Sears also tackles the subject of spanking, and you can see his thoughts about whether it is Biblical under #6 (HERE)
The autopsy results have come back on Lydia Schatz, the little girl that was beaten to death by her parents:
"According to Butte County District Attorney Mike Ramsey, the autopsy report says Lydia Schatz died of complications of Rhabdomyolysis. This is a rapid breakdown of skeletal muscle due to injury to muscle tissue. It can be caused by physical, chemical, or biological factors. In Lydia's case, Ramsey said, it was physical - described in the report as blunt force trauma.
The destruction of the muscle leads to the release of damaged muscle cells into the bloodstream and some of these cells - like proteins can harm the kidneys and sometimes lead to acute kidney failure, Ramsey explained. He said this is significant because 11-year-old Zariah Schatz was hospitalized with kidney failure after Lydia died. She too, was allegedly beaten by her parents.
This is the most pressing breakdown because it can lead to other organ failures. It causes an increase in potassium which is associated with cardiac arrhythmia, Ramsey said. This is a change in the rhythm of the heart, leading to cardiac arrest." (source)
As a Christian, I am frankly insulted beyond belief that these people call themselves the same.
At this point, all I can do speak, and also pray that people will see the Pearls and their "ministry" for what it really is.
For some non-violent parenting articles see "The Natural Child Project" site (HERE) and Dr. Sears discipline section (HERE)
Bless you, and may your children experience TRUE Love, Security, Acceptance, Respect, Communication, Time, Boundaries, Structure, Belonging/Significance, Example, Crisis Management, and The Meaning of Life
This is actually Michael Pearl, taken from their Facebook. He is apparently a knife thrower, but I imagine this is something like what his children have seen right before being "trained" :-/
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UPDATE10 years ago
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29 comments:
I spent some time reading the garbage on that site. One section of the Q&A really nauseates me anytime I think of it - a question about a child who had been sexually molested by a relative. This "man of God" gave advice which said to not let the children be together anymore unsupervised (genius!) and to NOT MENTION IT AND LET HER FORGET.
WTF?!??? This man should be in prison. I couldn't read anymore after that.
This is truly a heartbreaking expose, and reminds us of what evil is done every day in the name of "Godliness".
These people are monsters. There's really no gray area. They should be relegated to history along with the abuse they espouse.
W.. T... F..???!!?!?!
I am astonished and cryig for these poor babies and wanting to hold my own precious blessing so close (she's napping though) right now.
I too went to look at the website, and was disgusted. As Amanda said the Q&A section is just... there's actualy no word I can fnd for it. I was reading one question about a screaming 3 year old and the mother was advised to switch first and ask questions later and always blame the screaming 3 year old. There was someone who commented against this type of parenting saying that children are a blessing from god (amen!) and not dogs, they should not be trained into submission. THEN a person responded to her asking why it was perfectly okay for us to train our dogs into submission, but not our children... Really?!?! I mean honestly? WTF are people THINKING?!?!
"He then threw the covers over the pile of well-placed pillows and pressed his body down on the top. He was trying to smother me to death! I ran out of air real fast and had to come up gasping."
Looks like his little grandson had the right idea!
I abhor these people for what they teach. It brings tears to my eyes and wrenches at my heart. Poor children and the poor adults that they become.
My 4 month old just woke crying from a nap and all I could think about is that some wee mites would be hit with weed whacker coil for that rather than be loved back to sleep? Disgusting. Surely these people are not above the law?
I can only imagine how hard it must have been for you to "research" this. It is horrific! They are not cherishing their kids but trying to get rid of them by abusing them to death! Oh how can this treatment to children be called "christian" like? Doesn't God say to let the children come to him and to CHERISH them!
I would not be able to go on that website; I would have a stroke from the rage I would experience.
Poor babies; I pray that their parents pay for their inflicting abuse. And were is the law to protect these poor innocent babies? It should be illegal to publish crap like this!
WHY oh WHY aren't these people in prison??! How can they be allowed to get away with this??! Sick. Totally and utterly sick.
I didn't quite finish reading your post here because honestly, I was raised very similarly to what the Pearls consider wisdom (though really, even my parents never spanked, thunked, tapped or whipped babies!) and after reading through much of what you wrote and a few articles on that site I'm literally shaking!
I can tell you from experience that yes, after being beaten, humiliated and "trained" in such a manner, you love your authority. Because the mental abuse aspect of it is that you are taught that you are BAD without them. And children WANT to be good! Children want approval and the reason this method of "discipline" (though it's really brainwashing) works is because children desperately want to be approved of.
My father was a beater. That whole scene where he's talking about taking off his BELT and beating a 2yo made me want to vomit. I could tell stories about belts. My father's second favorite tool for spanking was his belt. I used to literally wet myself when he came home! I was so terrified of him I'd have nightmares about running away from home. *shudder*
Children raised this way confuse terror with respect. They confuse desperation with love. It's a sad state of affairs. They will either grow up and hate their parents (while still being torn apart by the need to be truly loved and respected by them) or they will grow up to model their twisted ideas about love, acceptance and respect. It really makes me sick to my stomach.
I feel sick to my stomach. I had read some of the trash on their site, but it keeps getting worse. I cannot understand why these child abusers aren't in prison.
*Written while holding my sleeping 5 month old; she is so blessed to be cherished and cuddled instead of beaten!!!*
Thank you for reporting on this! Another great resource for Christian parents seeking another way is Gentle Christian Mothers. For years, GCM has been helping former Pearl followers come out of this way and into the light of true grace and mercy.
I read through his book in order to counter it with truth, and found myself becoming very hostile to my children while reading it. It is sickening what power his words have on parents seeking a good, upright way.
Have you read Debi Pearl's book, Created to Be His Helpmeet? Also some good points in that book engulfed by a load of crap. You can see how the "switched to submission" as a child can really help girls as they grow older and then must submit to their husbands, even if he is a pedophile, or an adulterer, or an abuser. *shudder*
I couldn't even finish reading this. These people are insane! I hope every mother who reads this hugs her babies just a bit tighter today.
Thank you for writing about this very difficult subject and bringing it to more people's attention. This stuff gives me nightmares. I hope more people will read this and decide to do something about this. I agree, I also have a 2yr old and if anyone layed a finger on her I'd be in jail for murder. period.
It is people like this that give true Christians a bad name. I was spanked as a child, as was DH, and so will our child. But never as a baby, and never with anything other than a hand, and NEVER out of anger.
Matt. 7:1 "Do not judge, or you too will be judged."
I know I have my faults, and I know I have formed my opinion on this couple, but God will deal with them when it is their turn, and I have a feeling they will be begging for his mercy.
I am writing this with tears in my eyes. This is evil. Period. I cannot even imagine deliberately harming my little one in accordance with what these monsters are "teaching." Why are these evil "people" not in prison?
My heart hurts for any children that are born into a home where dominance and violence reign instead of love and happiness. Parents should teach and guide their children without violence and fear.
I wish I could rescue these poor kids, and kids in situations just like this. Children are not subservient beings to be broken, they are our greatest gift and biggest responsibility.
I have to be honest, I couldn't finish reading this post. Hitting a 6 month old with a cord because he's crying BECAUSE YOU HIT HIM?
Something must be done about this. Can this kind of site be legal?
I am absolutely gobsmacked. I couldn't bring myself to read their site on my own, because I knew I wouldn't be able to keep a civil tongue in my head.
I confess - I've spanked before. However, it was bare, open handed, on the buttocks, for things like repeatedly climbing to the top of a 6' bookshelf and launching herself off of it, or pulling her hand out of mine and causing a car accident in a parking lot because she was angry that I wouldn't get her a toy, so she tried to run and darted out in front of a car.
I acknowledge that these things occurred because I didn't do an effective job of communicating the dangers to her to begin with, and I regret the spankings I've given to the point that the guilt STILL makes me tear up.
I claim my transgressions, though, as my own. I sure as FUCK don't write them off as the will of god.
Shit. I never ever ever thought I'd hear myself say this, but I suddenly have an inkling of respect for child abusers that admit to their guilt - they have more integrity in them than the Pearls have in their pinky nail.
Excellent! Very well written. I am linking to this at Why Not Train a Child?
I could only make it about half way through before I had to go outside and cry.
I'd soon as take child rearing advice from an owl or a bear than these folks.
It just encourages peopel NOT to have empathy for their child. To see their emotions as something threatening. Why doesn't it occur to these writer of that letter that maybe her child is angry because HE'S BEING BEATEN ALL THE TIME! Or those babies! Man, I want to sic Alice Miller and Stacey Patton on the Pearls. I'm tired of their family damaging advice hurting children. Traumatizing them. Children need love, trust, compassion, patience, understanding, not being beaten.
oh my...those poor children. I would like to post an intelligent comment but can hardly breathe let alone think straight.
Matthew chapter 18 reads:
6 But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea.
• • •
10 Take heed that ye despise not one of these little ones; for I say unto you, That in heaven their angels do always behold the face of my Father which is in heaven.
• • •
14 Even so it is not the will of your Father which is in heaven, that one of these little ones should perish.
This speaks clearly enough to me...
I am literally in tears right now, I don't even know if I am typing correctly.
My daughter is three, and as mad as I get at her, I would never want to break her spirit, I actually love it.
If anyone touched a hair on her head I would..... People have been killed for less!
Thank you for a well written and concise article. Parents need to know there is another way.
Just imagine if your good friends give you this book and there children are well behaved, It was very confusing to me and hurt to think of our friends behaving in this way.
Suzanne @ babeigotanidea.com
So on the Peaceful Parenting blog, someone posted a link to "answers" on the Pearls' site. This is written by Michael Pearl himself:
"If indeed these parents were abusive, and that has not yet been proven by the courts, it is regretful that our teachings were not able to turn them from their predisposition to abusive habits."
It hasn't been proven by the courts that they were abusive, but the fact remains that they beat their child to death based on his ideas.
This makes my head spin and my heart ache.
I have read one of the Pearls books on child training and other material from their website, etc. Some people do go overboard with these things and not everything they espouse is perfect but a lot of the principles are taken out of context. Maybe Mr. Pearl isn't doing a great job communicating or is overstating. We have followed their training principles and have obedient (for the most part) children and we spank less than we used to (before the program).
I was raised in a home where fear was used instead of love. It never created obedience in me at all. In fact I turned the exact opposite way and just found better ways to do the things I wanted to do as a child and not get caught.
I grew up hating my step father for his abuse. He also used the guise of the "good Christian man" to get away with his abuse. Expecting in the end when he was charged to be automatically forgiven because he was a "good Christian".
To this day he is still manipulating the world and the people around him, thinking it is ok to live that way.
People who do this, are indeed abusers, and do not change their way of thinking EVER. Even after my stepfathers incarceration he is still an abuser and will never change.
Unfortunately nothing anyone here says will change the abusive ways of the Pearls. It's just not going to happen. Abusers see everything they do as being "right". Using God as as excuse is just that, only an excuse to justify their abusive behaviors.
I'm thankful that I found it in myself to go the opposite way I was raised and bring my child and soon expected child in a gentle, natural way with good relationships with us as their parents.
I strongly believe that these people are actually sick sexual deviants, that this kind of thing gives them pleasure,and that rather using more 'traditional' means of getting their sick kicks, they get to have the pleasure of not only knowing that they are encouraging thousands of others to do terrible things to their children, but they are doing it all in the name of God! These poor people who follow their teachings actually believe that they are doing what God wants them to do.
A baby CRIES because ahhh it can't TALK morons! how else is it supposed to get your attention if it needs something? Do these sickos belt someone in the street every time they come up and say 'ah excuse me?' and ask them a question!? As for the 'taken out of context' quote, I would love to know what part was taken out of context exactly? As it is all DIRECT wording from the site and it's books. anyone who believes anything these disgusting people say should be ashamed of themselves, God gave you these children to protect and raise in his word, not to beat them in his name.
When I think of any of this "training" being perpetrated on children...it really takes my breath away. At the age of 3 months...6 months...12 months...REALLY? Isn't this a critical bonding period? Beating and whipping doesn't promote bonding, that is for sure, and abuse has actually been shown to cause a decrease in brain growth, affecting many areas of the brain that can lead to PTSD, bipolar disorder, autism, and a host of other mental health issues. If these folks think a 1 year old is ornery, do they think a 10 year old with bipolar disorder and PTSD will be better?
After reading about these ...these...I don't know what to call them...I just want to hug my son, and snuggle him all up, crying or not , and thank the powers that be that he never has a need to fear me.
I still am just in awe, shock, thinking about buying a "designer rod." Wow.
Are child protective services involved after the recent death? Can you send this article to them? Is there anything we can do to help with reporting? This is absolutely child abuse. This man, and everyone who is following his advice, need to be known to child protective services.
Wow... This article made me sad, angry and physically sick. And I spank my nearly two year old son. He's nearly two, he gets his butt smacked for blatant disobedience (I've told you 5 times "no" and you still do it) or his hand smacked for touching knives / dangerous objects.
There's a huge difference, in my opinion, between "spanking" and outright beating like this man recommends. With a weed whacker cord? With a belt? With a tree branch? That's over the top, disgusting and abusive.
My heart breaks for any children in his care or the care of people that follow his methods.
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