Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Yes, You SHOULD Feel Guilty. Do something about it.
6:49 PM
Oh, mommy guilt. We've all had it, and will have it again. When we comfort one another, it's not uncommon to say or hear "Don't feel guilty, you did your best!" or "No sense in beating yourself up!"
Although we mean well with these things, I'd like to call bullshit on this one. If you feel guilty maybe you didn't do your best. Perhaps there IS some sense in beating yourself up. Just a little.
I believe that guilt is there for a reason. It's our conscience, Jiminy Cricket! It's that voice saying "Hey, you messed up, don't do that again!". If we feel guilty for something, it is our chance to examine the situation, our reasons, what we did, and how we could do better next time. However, this doesn't always happen. In some cases we may be tempted to defend our wrong choices, and find any way to justify them to others and ourselves. Maybe you gave up on breastfeeding, lost patience with your child, or simply gave in to some advice that you now come to realize was bad. Instead of saying "Yeah, I really blew it with that and I've learned better now", we might find ourselves making excuses. This is something I hope we can all start doing less of. It does ourselves, our children, and others looking up to us a disservice if we try to sugarcoat something negative. Instead of learning from our mistakes and helping others to do the same, we've just set the stage for the mistakes to continue.
Let's be honest when we mess up and fall short. We shouldn't be afraid to feel the guilt, recognize why it is there, and resolve to do better next time. We can even reach beyond ourselves and help others to learn from our experiences before they make the same mistakes themselves. Do you regret not breastfeeding or weaning too early? You can acknowledge the obstacles you had, learn what you could have done to overcome them, and help another mother that is struggling. Do you regret circumcising your child? You can talk to other parents about why that is, and help them have access to information you lacked. There are so many ways that we can turn our negative experiences and choices into something positive for ourselves and even those around us. It is a waste to just stew and refuse to change.
Don't be afraid to feel guilty for a little while, it means you're human and you care! Just make sure you put it to good use. Instead of constant self-flagellation and defensiveness, redirect your energy into learning from your mistakes and finding what you can do with your experience.
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13 comments:
Well said!!
Couldn't agree more!
*cheers!*
LOVE this message...too true!!
Thank you for posting this.
I regret giving up breastfeeding after a week. I was so upset with myself. Now I try to encourage expecting moms to do what's best and breastfeed and not give up. I also didn't circumcise my son, and I give the facts to anyone expecting a little boy. =]
if you don't have mommy guilt you're probably a selfish crappy mom who doesn't deserve her kids anyway =/
OAN... i had a rough day yesterday with my oldest, ran into a website with a little girl in a shirt that said "once upon a time, you were me" and BROKE DOWN IN IMMEDIATE TEARS! needless to say, i handled today better than i handled yesterday...
it's all about LEARNING from your mistakes and BETTERING yourself so you don't make the same stupid mistakes again...
/clap for this blog! & /clap for you WU! <3 <3 <3
Fantastic! I couldn't agree more! :D
I love this...i have shared this on Netmums.com where there is much feeling of guilt and defensiveness which lead to lots of arguements and "debates"
i really needed this today. i have been feeling real guilty lately. i did not bf my first but i now bf my younger ones. i also circ'ed my oldest. my youngest are all girls. i really regret circing him and had such horrible guilt yesterday i was sick to my stomach. i used that to get up the nerve to talk to someone i know expecting a little boy. she seemed open to it. i hope i changed her mind....
Responsibility. It's a very adult word and sometimes, too often, a word that many adults, especially in these times, find hard to really deal with.
I love your post
Could you please send it to my sister-in-law!
Ah, forget it, she wouldn't understand...
Excellent post. I couldn't agree more.
I had difficulties breastfeeding and used a lot of formula with my oldest, due largely to my lack of education. I've done my best to own it, admit that I made mistakes, and educate myself so I can make better choices in the future, and I did - I believe I made much better decisions with my youngest, and he's still breastfeeding and has never had formula (he turns two tomorrow). We learn better, we do better. Yes, we all make mistakes, but guilt can and should help lead us to better pathways instead of making us bitter, resentful, and defensive.
In the wise immortal words of Rafiki... "Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it."
There are some things that deserve a closer look when guilt comes knocking, but sometimes, we have unrealistic expectations for ourselves. Whether they stem from outside pressure, or from a need to be better than our parents, or from whatever. Guilt can also teach us to let go of some of these high standard, and to relax a little as parents. Maybe some things DON'T need improvement. I often feel guilty for needing time alone. Is this something I should push down, and try to "change"? No. I should understand that I, too, have needs that must be met in order to be a good mama. It does my son no good to have a mommy who is tired, and burnt out. We do ourselves and our families a disservice to be so stressed in trying to be perfect when sometime "good enough" IS perfection. Guilt should always be examined, but is often an emotion that comes for the wrong reason. You can always learn from it, but it is not always necessary to be so hard on ourselves, and feel that we "must do better". Here's to learning from our emotions, but not being unfair to ourselves in the process...
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